The Reviews are In!

The Critics SPEAK about Saint Gredible and Her Fat Dad's Mass

• An unreadable paeon to James Joyce and the Beatles disguised as a raucous meditation on human atrocity. What is he going on about? -- Sir Percy Thrillington

This is an interminable story about an autistic pubescent girl and her fat dad which builds a powerful case against the idea of ever having children (or buying a house). -- Angelina Jolie

• Everybody dies! I'd rather watch a snuff flick with my first two wives than read this again. -- Larry King

I thought this book was to be about Simone Weil and the intersection between the Holocaust and the Inquisition, but it's actually an abortive attempt to understand particle physics and the dimensions which inform the cross-section of existence we call reality in space and time. -- Elaine Pagels

• The author would have been well advised to publish the children's stories separately. At least that way he would not have insulted the intelligence of those of us who take our Judeo-Christian heritage as a serious birthright. -- Stephen Colbert

Panzica's agonizingly awkward attempts at shriveled humor only underscore the bleakness which both underlies and suffocatingly envelopes this twisted set piece of tangled tales. -- Malcolm Muggeridge

• A young girl loses each and every member of her immediate family to death and despair (or both). Then she and her trust fund settle in with some childless blues state slackers. There! We just read this so you don’t have to.  -- Reviews R Us

The nihilism and despair which led to and emanate from "civilization scale" atrocities like the Holocaust pulse through every passage especially those concerning "Chelonialism" which is the jejune attempt by the fat dad of the title to craft a set of iconic images concerning the creative power of nothingness. -- Peter Higgs

• "Seinfeld" was an entertaining (to some) series of incidents about "nothing". Fortunately, that series was canceled by the deep state Jewish conspiracy. Turning off Seinfeld required one to make the exertion of reaching for the remote. Fortunately, for once again American Greatness, no effort at all is required to NOT buy or read this pathetic excuse for a book. Sad! -- Donald J. Trump

John Lennon was already assassinated once. If I have to relive that again, I rather do it while drinking absynthe and listening to Syd Barrett bootlegs. -- Roger Waters

• I find myself vaguely resenting each and every reference to me and my mates. We really don’t deserve this sort of treatment, you know. -- Sir Paul McCartney

Mercifully, there are quite many more references to turtles than to chimpanzees. -- Jane Goodall

The Pagans are Coming Out of Their Shells?

"Not bloody likely!: croaked the Great Turtle.

@DouthatNYT

“Paganism”? Too retrograde!

“Transcendence v immanence”? Too limiting! 

The awaited “Aquarian” epoch is stocked chock full of TURTLES (all the way out, all the way in)!

So unSHELL yourself and REJOICE! “There are no edges!” Only infinite Chelonian CREATION!


As scribbed Paul to the Liverpudlians, “Don’t be a DRAG, man!”

Wherein Nancy and Chuck Change Blows with the Bellowing Oaf in the Offal Office

(Chapter NineteenSeventyFour)

“Let us have a conversation where we don’t have to contradict in public the statistics that you put forth,” Little Nancy urged the fulminating cantaloupe, as his vice presidential* throw pillow gripped, grunted, and bore down on his stool. The data Mr. Trump turned to “are not factual” she said. “We have to have an evidence-based conversation.”

And sad Alice took another limp swig of Luv Potion #9 and tried to remember where she last flicked her ruby slippers. “Show me the way to go home, Scottie” she spat into her communicator, but the USS MythsandLies was too busy strafing Yemeni children with its desiccating Freedom Rays and the Munchkins, having nearly run outta ginger spiced rum balls, were readying a riot.

Long Synopsis for Saint Gredible and Her Dad's Fat MAss

Streamly Gredible…

NAZIs march in Charlottesville and Boston. Obby, her favorite grandfather has just died. Her other grandfather is probably a criminal. Her dad is obese and increasingly absurd. Her mother's ashes bounce around inside her knapsack. Streamly Gredible can't stay in school. She can't keep a friend, and everything seems to be just getting worse.

They must empty her grandfather's house, rummaging through all his stuff, deciding what to sell, what to keep, what to give away, and what to trash. And Streamly Gredible must soon confront what no one has yet come to terms with.

She knew by his tattoo that Obby had survived Auschwitz. So had her other Zeyde. Since becoming an adult, her restless mom had been pressed to ensure nothing like that would ever happen again. But no one had really told Grettie the straight story. No one ever knew how. (No one ever does.)

While alive, Obby and her mom had worked to tell others. They wrote books and gave talks everywhere – to everyone else. They would have told Streamly Gredible long ago, but her Fat Dad could bellow them both into silence. That's something nobody else could ever have done. Sometimes she had to be sent away to stay with friends.

Streamly Gredible didn't need to flee her parents to find silence. Born profoundly deaf, she needed only to remove her implant. Away from parents she could taste peace, but when does peace ever last?

There is no straight story.

Her Obby had tried to console himself writing storybooks for children, but they weren't stories parents would buy. They are stories Streamly Gredible will never forget because she helped create them. Her fat dad also wrote, striving to forge a new religion not confounded by science.

But even her dad could bite off more than he could digest. And then he dies, overcome by his own weight, shadow battling lurking NAZIs. Or against those who empower NAZIs by the way they’re oblivious - or even by trying their desperate best to do the opposite? There is no straight story.

Streamly Gredible’s other grandfather was never warm and comforting like Obby was. With his grim smiles, always cold and feral, he was disturbing - and not just to young Gretty. Bony and angular as her fat dad was blubbery and rotund, he would have scorned to justify the way he survived by being more than a victim. But he was also more than a villain.

There is no straight story. Just many stories swirling through the mind of a girl whose mother never wanted her since the day she was born. Streamly Grdible doesn’t know all that she knows or how she knows it. But everything that brought her here keeps pushing her forward into the exhilarating uncertainty of creation which continues forever within and without us.

And that’s where we leave her.



With everyone else.